I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Randomize
