I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
