i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
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