Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
This beer is not sobering me up at all
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize