she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
