we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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