i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
