You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
