your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
