currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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