She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
