Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
