i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
