Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
