is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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