my phone needs a breathalizer
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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