how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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