this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
