new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
