is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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