that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
