i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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