you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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