one might say we're banned from that church
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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