just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
