Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Randomize
