all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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