I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
In America we eat man semen.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
