a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
