forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
