Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
