Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
