I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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