I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
