She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
