fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
