Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
