I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
