thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
