I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
