He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
