you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
