my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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