12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
