I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
