If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i wish my penis had a tongue
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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