Your mouth is God's brothel.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Randomize
