She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
