He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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