I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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