How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
