If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Girls should come with a carfax report
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
