mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
