Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
