You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
