My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
