I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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