So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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