And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
