Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
