sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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