My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
