i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
