you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
