She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
