My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
