The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize