I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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