Your face is a jimmy john
Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
