everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Randomize
