I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
