I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Holy sore nipples Batman
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Randomize
