Swine flu. Run for my life!
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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