So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
