imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
